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Saturday, May 8, 2010

Conversation with a Scientologist

The following is pure fiction, and is not intended to insult anyone. It comes from my frustration with attempting to have a rational discussion about the pros and cons of the subject with some hard-line Scientologists.

Non-Scientologist: So, tell me about Scientology.

Scientologist: Well, it’s a religious philosophy which contains tools that anyone can use to improve their life. These are workable tools that have been proven to be uniformly successful if they are applied correctly.

Non-Scientologist: OK, but forgive me if I question your statement about being uniformly successful. I’ve seen some disturbing things online. Apparently the head of Scientology is physically and verbally abusive to his staff, people are forced to disconnect from their families, the Scientology organizations are emptying out, and there are a lot of defections, including top level OTs. That doesn’t seem to indicate uniform success.

Scientologist: Well, people in the Church are not correctly applying Scientology. They’ve altered the technology. What they are doing is not Scientology.

Non-Scientologist: I see. Well, if alteration of the technology is such a major problem, maybe Hubbard should have warned people about it. Maybe he should have written an issue alerting them to the dangers of altering the technology, and had every Scientologist read it at the beginning of every course.

Scientologist: Well, actually, he did that.

Non-Scientologist: Oh. Well, then, why didn’t that work?

Scientologist: Well, that’s because people have misunderstood. They can’t duplicate what they are reading.

Non-Scientologist: I see. That sounds like a serious block. Maybe Hubbard should have written something warning people about the importance of understanding words. Maybe he should have developed a technology of how to study.

Scientologist: Well, actually, he did. It’s called Study Tech.

Non-Scientologist: OK. Well, why didn’t that work?

Scientologist: It’s because people are out-ethics! They are just blinded by their own overts –transgressions – and they have withholds.

Non-Scientologist: Well, I can understand that could be a problem. Hubbard should have invented a technology of ethics to help people be more ethical and disciplined.

Scientologist: Well, actually, he did. There’s a whole book on it.

Non-Scientologist: OK, well, why don’t people apply that?

Scientologist: You don’t understand. Technology doesn’t get applied because the Orgs are a mess! They are off-purpose, more interested in income than really helping people. They are understaffed and desperate, and it’s hard to get anything standard done!

Non-Scientologist: Sure, I can see how that would be. Well, maybe Hubbard should have developed a technology of organization; how to keep organizations on-purpose and functioning properly. Maybe he should have written up all of their duties in detail so they know exactly what they should be doing.

Scientologist: Well, actually, he did do that. It’s been published in ten big volumes.

Non-Scientologist: Well, then, why doesn’t that get applied?

Scientologist: Staff don’t have time to study it. There’s too few of them and they are desperate. There are just not enough people in the orgs!

Non-Scientologist: Oh, I see. Well, then, maybe Hubbard should have developed a technology of how to promote and market Scientology. Maybe he should have provided drills telling people how to effectively disseminate Scientology.

Scientologist: Well, actually he did do that.

Non-Scientologist: Ok, why isn’t that correctly applied?

Scientologist: You don’t understand! The whole of the Church of Scientology has been taken over by Suppressive Persons. They are perverting the tech! They are destroying the Church! Everyone is PTS to them!

Non-Scientologist: Goodness, that sounds serious! Well, maybe Hubbard should have developed a technology to show people how to spot Suppressive Persons, and how to handle them once you’ve spotted them, so you don’t go PTS.

Scientologist: Well, actually, he did that too.

Non-Scientologist: Oh! Well, then, why doesn’t that get applied?

Scientologist: There are so many other factors I haven’t even mentioned! People have something called GPMs, they have whole track implants, they have evil purposes in restimulation, they have…

Non-Scientologist: Well, why didn’t Hubbard develop technologies to…

Scientologist: He did! He did! But you don’t understand! You can’t get technology correctly applied when you have people who are not rational, who are not sane, who are low on the Tone Scale, who are aberrated…

Non-Scientologist: Well, maybe Hubbard should have developed a technology to make people rational and sane, to raise them on the Tone Scale, to get rid of aberration.

Oh wait. Isn’t that what Scientology is supposed to do?

- Arthur


  1. My Goodness!!
    So Bill, let me get this straight:
    LRH did a wunderful job and maybe he is hobnobbing
    with father Maciel! At the hell!!
    They both made a whole regnum!
    (Of would be slaves!!!!)

  2. Sadly hilarious.

  3. Hmmm... it's almost as if all that stuff he came up with doesn't really work if people aren't thinking for themselves.

    You know, Hubbard should have come up with a way to help people really think for themselves... Oh, wait..

    Looks like all that stuff he came up with doesn't do anybody any good if the OTHER stuff he came up with, like KSW, doesn't LET people think for themselves.

  4. Scientology is based on the idea that, "if people were perfect and could apply Scientology in the most perfect way, then they could attain perfection ... um ... through Scientology."

    And when perfection isn't attained? Well, they weren't perfect, so they didn't do it perfectly, so it didn't work. So try again, but this time, do it perfectly.

  5. Yeah, and they only want people who are functioning and making money to begin with--the fastest way to get rid of a Scientologist is to ask him or her for a personal loan so you can pay for services!

  6. People are not machines, they're not cases that can be debugged or repaired - human beings are individuals. What works for one doesn't necessarlily work for someone else. If a scam artist claims to have found the perfect formula to sort out any problem, general application of these formulas can only be ensured by force.

    That's why communism failed, that's why Scientology has failed - too much control will eventually trigger an unwanted reaction (dissent).
    Oh, and to develop technology to make people sane and rational one has to be sane and rational. Hubbard was neither, and it's sad and cringeworthy how well-intentioned people defend this rotten individual and praise him as mankind's best friend. Ugh!

  7. Oh so very funny and effective. It points out how futile the technology is if every measure to prevent things from being done incorrectly is subject to very same corruption.

    In the end: Scientology is WEAK and deeply flawed. It cannot be handled roughly by real people and it definitely can't be applied broadly to help everyone.

    This post is awesome. Can't wait for the next!

  8. Excellent post, funny and oh so true. Thank you.


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