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Sunday, July 4, 2010

Scientology and Humor

How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
First, 12 Scientologists have to carefully research all writings and lectures of L. Ron Hubbard to find everything that LRH ever said that, however remotely, might have something to do with light, lightbulbs, repairs, the effect of electricity on thetans, and so forth.
This research will result in several Scientologists being assigned to revise the official L. Ron Hubbard biography to include the newly discovered fact that Ron actually invented lightbulbs (and, it may be hinted, even light itself).
30 Scientologists will then be assigned by David Miscavige to create a "standard" program, with purposes, policies, major targets, etc., etc. They will work for months to try to get the program approved through David Miscavige.  This approval can never happen.
Eventually, Miscavige will, with great drama, declare everyone a Suppressive Person and "do it all himself" (meaning make minor, unnecessary changes to the original program).
150 Scientologists (everyone left at Int. Base) will then work for years on this program, attempting to create and pilot the "Hubbard Standard Tech Lightbulb Changing Course".  The course will include extensive, new Golden Age of Tech drills for changing lightbulbs.
This will never get approved by Miscavige.
Eventually, Miscavige will, with great drama, declare everyone a Suppressive Person, again, and "do it all himself" (meaning make minor unnecessary changes).
1,256 Scientologists (all Scientologists left in Clearwater) will show up at the Big Release Event put on by Miscavige to wildly applaud this new step in "Bringing Scientology Effective Solutions to a Dark and Troubled World".
The new course will be priced at $10,000.00 and will also require the purchase of all Miscavige's newly re-re-revised "Basics" books.
13,126 Scientologists (all remaining Scientologists in the world) will be forced off of whatever they were doing to purchase and take this new course.   Promoted as something that can be done "in a week", the course will actually take over six months.  Only 153 Scientologists will ever actually complete the course.
They will never be able to change a lightbulb again.
I was recently reminded of the fact that all Scientologists, as part of their indoctrination, receive a humorectomy.  Scientology carefully and thoroughly removes all possibility of a sense humor.

While "jokes" might be permitted if the target is a declared Enemy of Scientology, these must be approved by Miscavige and, if approved, are not funny.  Humor, laughter, sarcasm, parody -- these things are not allowed by Scientology dogma and are thoroughly removed through Scientology indoctrination.  Believe it or not, Hubbard actually wrote a Policy Letter forbidding jokes.

This is an effect of Scientology, not just the Church of Scientology.  Scientology, even outside the church, is Serious Business.  No one is laughing.  If you read any of the Independent Scientologists' websites and blogs, you will be overcome with how Serious It All Is.  A criticism isn't just a criticism, it is an attempt by Whole Track Evil to destroy all of Scientology forever.  A bit of a fuss is A Major Battle.  Without humor, every molehill becomes a mountain.

Even some ex-Scientologists do not recover a sense of humor.  They are battling Scientology and the Church of Scientology and they are very, very serious about it.

But then there is Anonymous.  Where Anonymous has been most wonderfully successful is with humor.  They laugh at the church, they laugh at Scientologists, they even laugh at themselves.  They are a lot more sane than any True Believer.

Humor brings perspective and sanity.  It may be Scientologists' lack of humor that is most responsible for Scientology's destruction.  They just don't get the joke.


  1. Just Bill, cut us a little slack here...

    With 'the whole agonized future of this planet, every man, woman and child on it, and my own destiny for the next endless trillions of years' weighing down on me, it was really difficult to even consider such silly things as humor, let alone be able to get enough air to even attempt a laugh.

  2. There's no need to change it! It works perfectly, is 100% effective and is constantly expanding to boot!

    Your perception that it's not working is a result of brainwashing by psychiatrists, and your misunderstanding the words "light" and "dark"!

    It works perfectly for me! And anyway, Scientology has given me increased abilities that allow me to see in the dark... Hello? Are you still there?

  3. Boy, Bill - is that ever true. I really suppressed my sense of humor while I was in Scientology. I never wanted to be considered a "joker and degrader", so I just kept my mouth shut - well, most of the time anyway.

    By the way - here's a good one I heard some years ago:

    Q: How does a Jewish mother give a locational?

    A: "Just look at yourself!"

  4. Bill, back in 1976 it was declared that Mexico was the first Clear Country of the UNIVERSE! Nothing less!
    Current reality amounts for such an accomplishment!

  5. Anonymous works, and it helps people.

  6. Ooooh...! So THAT's what happened... ~*~*~*~ :)


  8. Thanks, yes, that's the "Jokers and Degraders" issue.

  9. LRH, in an ironic contrast to the "Jokers and Degraders" issue, made the following statement in the introduction of Volume One of Mission Earth:

    ". . . the targets of satire are always the last to laugh. Due to various personal reasons, they cannot see the joke. But satire is not written for them. It is written for others so that, like the fable, they can see that the "emperor has no clothes."

  10. Back in the 70's when I was in Scientology I heard a good joke about three Scientologist that went to a restaurant. One Scientologist was a comm. course grad. One was a class V auditor and the other was OT 3. The waiter seemed to be ignoring them so after a number of minutes:

    OT 3: "With all of the auditing that I have had, I can use my powers to mentally bring the waiter to us."
    The OT 3 gave it all he had but it had no effect.

    CLASS V: "With all of the training I have had I can bring the waiter with my superior intention."
    After trying for some time the waiter still ignored them.

    Comm. Course Grad: "Let me try!".
    The others scoffed.
    Comm. Course Grad: "Hey waiter!"
    The waiter was there in in an instant!

  11. Great post. I've always thought that Scientology's humor impaired outlook was its Achille's heel. It's why I thought the best way to take a swipe at them was by letting Hubbard be heard in his own words in my videos "What's The Matter With You Hat?"

    and "Space Station 33"

    I could never make up the Obscene Dog or the Fifth Invader Force . . .

    Your site is an amazing resource, keep up the great work.

  12. I Googled “Scientologist humor,” and got “What? Is this some kind of a joke?”

  13. I found a German website about cults (mainly Scientology) in which a guy describes 1 year (must have been 2) he had with a scientologist woman. VERY interesting report. Here's the link but warning, it's all in German...

    ANYWAY... here's the joke he made to his Scientologist girlfriend.
    She: My IQ is 135.
    He: Mine is just above room temperature.

    In his report he writes that his girlfriend freaked out about the joke - in a bad way!


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